1 00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:23,396 'This is the story 2 00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:27,149 'of the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy... 3 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:29,396 'perhaps the most remarkable, 4 00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:31,750 'certainly the most successful book 5 00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:36,909 'ever to come out of the great publishers of Ursa Minor. 6 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:40,237 'More popular than The Celestial Home Care Omnibus, 7 00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:44,228 'better selling than Fifty-three More Things To Do In Zero Gravity, 8 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:48,274 'and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy 9 00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:52,234 'of philosophical blockbusters, Where God Went Wrong, 10 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:55,432 'Some More Of God's Greatest Mistakes 11 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:59,076 'and Who Is This God Person Anyway? 12 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:02,795 'And in many of the more relaxed civilisations 13 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:06,117 'on the Outer Eastern Rim of the Galaxy, 14 00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:09,869 'the Hitchhiker's Guide has already supplanted 15 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:11,832 'the great Encyclopaedia Galactica 16 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:15,874 'as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, 17 00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:21,279 'for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal, 18 00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:24,119 'it scores over the older, more pedestrian work 19 00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:26,072 'in two important respects. 20 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:30,990 'First, it is slightly cheaper and, secondly, it has the words: 21 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:35,988 'inscribed in large, friendly letters on the cover. 22 00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:38,475 'To tell the story of the book, 23 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:43,629 'it is best to tell the story of some of those whose lives it affected. 24 00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:47,116 'A human from the planet Earth was one of them, 25 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:48,958 'though, as our story opens, 26 00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:51,116 'he no more knows his destiny 27 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:54,995 'than a tea leaf knows the history of the East India Company. 28 00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:59,034 'His name is Arthur Dent, he is a six-foot-tall ape descendant, 29 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:04,553 'and someone is trying to drive a bypass through his home.' 30 00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:09,311 (RUMBLING) 31 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:54,713 (BIRDS TWITTER) 32 00:02:54,920 --> 00:02:58,879 Come off it, Mr Dent - you can't win, you know. 33 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:02,436 You can't lie in front of the bulldozers indefinitely. 34 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:04,915 I'm game. We'll see who rusts first! 35 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:09,557 You're going to have to accept it. This bypass has got to be built. 36 00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:11,478 Why's it got to be built? 37 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:14,752 What do you mean - why's it got to be built? 38 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,599 It's a bypass! You've got to build bypasses. 39 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,473 You were entitled to make suggestions or protests at the appropriate time. 40 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:23,035 Appropriate time?! 41 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:27,199 The first I heard about it was when a workman arrived yesterday. 42 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,595 I thought he'd come to clean the windows. 43 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:31,836 He said he'd come to demolish the house! 44 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:34,429 He didn't tell me straightaway, of course. 45 00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:39,270 He wiped a couple of windows and charged me £5! Then he told me! 46 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:42,119 But, Mr Dent, the plans have been available 47 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:44,880 in the planning office for the last nine months! 48 00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:48,709 Yes, of course. As soon as I heard, I went straight round to see them. 49 00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:53,789 You hadn't exactly gone out of your way to draw attention to them! 50 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,275 But the plans were on display! 51 00:03:56,480 --> 00:04:00,393 On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar! 52 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:02,716 - That's the display department! - With a torch! 53 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:04,558 - No lights. - No stairs! 54 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:07,911 - But you did see the notice? - Oh, yes. 55 00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:11,510 It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet, 56 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:15,076 in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door, ''Beware of the leopard!'' 57 00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:19,910 Ever thought of going into advertising? (ENGINE STARTS) 58 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:27,035 And you don't get me like that either! 59 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:30,989 Mr Dent... 60 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:34,954 have you any idea how much damage this bulldozer would suffer 61 00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:37,196 if I were to let it run over you? 62 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:39,356 How much? 63 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,630 None at all! 64 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:45,757 'By a strange coincidence, ''None at all'' 65 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:50,078 'is exactly how much suspicion the ape descendant Arthur Dent had 66 00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:54,398 'that one of his closest friends was not descended from an ape, 67 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,397 'but was in fact from a small planet 68 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,558 'somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse. 69 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:03,309 'Arthur Dent's failure to suspect this 70 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:07,832 'reflects the care with which his friend blended into human society, 71 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:12,158 'after a fairly shaky start, when he first arrived 15 years ago. 72 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:16,069 'The minimal research he had done suggested to him 73 00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:19,909 'that the name Ford Prefect would be nicely inconspicuous. 74 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:27,075 'He will enter our story in 30 seconds and say, 75 00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:29,236 '''Hello, Arthur.'' 76 00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:32,876 'The ape descendant will greet him in return 77 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:36,755 'but, in deference to a million years of human evolution, 78 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:39,030 'won't attempt to pick fleas off him. 79 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,710 'Earthmen are not proud of their ancestors 80 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:44,512 'and never invite them to dinner.' 81 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:57,231 Hello, Arthur. 82 00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,396 Ford, hi. How are you? 83 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:01,318 Fine. 84 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,993 Look, are you busy? 85 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:10,830 Busy?! Well, I've just got this bulldozer to lie in front of, 86 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:14,999 or it'll knock my house down, but otherwise...no, not especially. Why? 87 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:19,512 - Good. Anywhere we can talk? - What? 88 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:22,678 - We've got to talk. - Fine! Talk. 89 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:25,519 And drink. It's vitally important that we talk and drink. Now! 90 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:28,473 - We'll go to the pub. - You don't understand. 91 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:30,796 He wants to knock my house down. 92 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:35,118 - He can do it whilst you're away. - I don't want him to! 93 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:37,311 Ford? What's the matter? 94 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:39,715 Nothing...nothing's the matter. 95 00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:43,151 I've got to tell you the most important thing you've ever heard. 96 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:46,909 - I've got to tell you NOW in the pub. - Why? 97 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:50,635 - Because you'll need a stiff drink! - No! No! What about my house? 98 00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:55,753 - He wants to knock your house down? - Yes. 99 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:59,430 - But you're lying in the way? - Exactly! 100 00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:03,349 I think we can come to some arrangement. 101 00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:08,636 - Excuse me! - Hello? Yes? 102 00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:11,035 Has Mr Dent come to his senses yet? 103 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:14,152 Can we, for the moment, assume he hasn't? 104 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:15,839 Well? 105 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:19,350 Can we also assume that he's going to be staying there all day? 106 00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:21,152 So? 107 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:26,036 So all your men are going to be standing around, doing nothing. 108 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:30,109 Could be, could be... 109 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:35,155 If you're resigned to that, you don't actually need him to lie there? 110 00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:38,477 Not as such. Not exactly ''need''... 111 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:43,470 So pretend he's there. Then we could go to the pub. How does that sound? 112 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:47,355 Er...that sounds perfectly reasonable...I suppose. 113 00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:51,314 And if you want to pop off for a quick one yourself later on, 114 00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:54,592 we'll always cover for you in return. 115 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:59,555 Yes, thank you very much. That's very kind. 116 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:01,751 So if you'd just like to lie down... 117 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,598 What? 118 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,313 It's very simple. 119 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:07,317 Mr Dent will stop lying in the mud 120 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,592 - on condition that you take over. - What? 121 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:12,711 Sorry? 122 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:16,959 You want me... to come and lie down there? 123 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:21,756 - Yes. - In front of the bulldozer? 124 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,554 - Yes. - Instead of Mr Dent? 125 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:28,469 - Yes. - In the mud? 126 00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:32,434 In, as you say, the mud. 127 00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:37,998 In return for which, you will take Mr Dent down to the pub? 128 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:39,599 Yes. 129 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:41,711 Promise? 130 00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:43,194 Promise. 131 00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:49,917 - Get up and let the man lie down. - Thank you. 132 00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:01,513 And no sneaky knocking Mr Dent's house down while he's away. 133 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:05,793 The slightest thought hadn't even begun to speculate 134 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:09,834 about the merest possibility of crossing my mind. 135 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:13,999 - But can we trust him? - To the end of the Earth. 136 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:17,556 - Yes, but how far's that? - About 12 minutes away. 137 00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:20,433 Come on. We've got to get some alcohol. 138 00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:24,189 'Here's what the Encyclopaedia Galactica has to say about alcohol. 139 00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:28,313 'It says that alcohol is a colourless volatile liquid 140 00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:31,114 'formed by the fermentation of sugars, 141 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:34,153 'and also notes its intoxicating effect 142 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:36,316 'on certain carbon-based lifeforms. 143 00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:40,479 'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy also mentions alcohol. 144 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:42,477 'It says the: 145 00:09:57,280 --> 00:09:59,236 '..the effect of which 146 00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:03,399 'is like having your brain smashed out with a slice of lemon... 147 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:05,989 'wrapped round a large gold brick. 148 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:08,634 'The Guide also tells you 149 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:13,834 'on which planets the best Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters are mixed, 150 00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:17,077 'how much you can expect to pay for one 151 00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:21,751 'and what voluntary organisations exist to help you rehabilitate. 152 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,872 'The man who invented this mind-pummelling drink 153 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:29,073 'also invented the wisest remark ever made, which was this: 154 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:41,439 'His name is: 155 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:45,269 'and we shall learn more of his wisdom later.' 156 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:59,310 Six pints of bitter. And quickly, please. The world's about to end. 157 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:01,795 Oh, yes, sir? Nice weather for it. 158 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:05,629 - Going to the match today, sir? - No. No point. 159 00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:07,319 Foregone conclusion, then? 160 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:10,034 - Arsenal no chance? - No, the world's about to end. 161 00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:14,870 Oh, yes, sir. So you said. Lucky escape for Arsenal if it did. 162 00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:20,279 - No, not really. - There you are, sir. Six pints. 163 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:23,072 Keep the change. 164 00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:25,157 What? From a fiver? Thank you, sir! 165 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:27,555 You've got ten minutes to spend it! 166 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:35,718 What the hell's going on? I'm losing my grip on the day. 167 00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:39,674 - Drink up. Three pints to go! - Three pints? At lunchtime? 168 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:42,519 Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. 169 00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:47,350 Send that in to the Reader's Digest. There's a page for people like you! 170 00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:50,120 - Drink up. - Why three pints? 171 00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:53,073 Muscle relaxant. You're going to need it. 172 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,555 Did I do something wrong this morning 173 00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:58,194 or has the world always been like this, 174 00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:01,472 and I was too wrapped up in myself to notice? 175 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,435 I'll try to explain. 176 00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:11,476 - How long have we known each other? - Er, five years, maybe six. 177 00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:14,672 Most of it made some kind of sense at the time. 178 00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:19,158 How would you react if I told you I'm not from Guildford after all, 179 00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:23,148 but from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse? 180 00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:26,670 Why - do you think it's the sort of thing you're likely to say? 181 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:30,156 Drink up. The world is about to end. 182 00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:34,717 This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays. 183 00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:39,196 'On this particular Thursday, 184 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:42,995 'things were moving through the ionosphere. 185 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:46,317 'Many miles above the surface of the planet, 186 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:49,637 'several huge yellow slab-like somethings... 187 00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:53,071 'huge as office blocks, silent as birds, 188 00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:57,592 'they hung in the air exactly the same way that bricks don't. 189 00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:03,268 'The planet was almost totally oblivious of their presence. 190 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:05,675 'They went unnoticed at Goonhilly, 191 00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:08,758 'they passed over Cape Canaveral without a blip, 192 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:12,396 'and Woomera and Jodrell Bank looked straight through them; 193 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:16,434 'a pity, because it was the sort of thing they'd looked for for ages. 194 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:21,668 'Arthur Dent, too, had other things on his mind.' 195 00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:24,394 (RUMBLING) What's that? 196 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:27,239 - They haven't started yet. - Good. 197 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,237 - Probably your house. - What? 198 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:33,513 - Five minutes to go. - Damn you and your fairy stories! 199 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:35,950 Stop, you vandals! You home wreckers! 200 00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:39,835 - You half-crazed Visigoths, stop! - Arthur! Stop! It's pointless! 201 00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:43,476 Barman, quickly, can you just give me four packets of peanuts? 202 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,875 I'm just serving this gentleman. 203 00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:48,389 He's going to die shortly! Come on! 204 00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:50,909 Just a minute, sir. 205 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:55,029 Do you mind, sir? 206 00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:58,678 Pork scratchings... 207 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:01,872 - Peanuts! How much? - What? 208 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:06,594 Have it. 209 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:09,633 Have it. Keep it! 210 00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:12,957 Is the world really going to end this afternoon? 211 00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:16,152 Yes, in just over 3 minutes and 5 seconds. 212 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:20,035 - But isn't there anything we can do? - No, nothing. 213 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:24,358 I thought we were meant to lie down or put a paper bag over our head. 214 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:26,630 Yes, if you like. 215 00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:31,356 - Oh, will that help? - No. Excuse me. I've got to go. 216 00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:33,949 Oh, well, then... 217 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:38,032 Last orders, please! 218 00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:43,118 You pin-striped barbarians! I'll sue the council for every penny it's got! 219 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:50,078 I'll have you hung, drawn, quartered, 220 00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:52,999 and whipped and boiled...until... 221 00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:55,475 until you've had enough! 222 00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:59,912 Arthur, don't... There's no point. There's only a minute or so left. 223 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:02,270 And then I'll do it some more! 224 00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:06,837 I'll take all the little bits and jump on them till I get blisters, 225 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:10,794 or I think of something worse... (DRONING) What the hell's that? 226 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,155 Arthur, quick! Over here! 227 00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:23,715 What the hell is it? 228 00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:26,718 It's a fleet of flying saucers - what do you think it is? 229 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:28,194 Hold this. 230 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:31,631 - What do you mean, flying saucers? - A Vogon constructor fleet. 231 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:33,831 - What? - A Vogon constructor fleet. 232 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:38,670 I picked up news of their arrival a few hours ago on my sub-etha radio. 233 00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:42,111 I can't cope with this. I'm going to have to have a lie-down. 234 00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,675 No, stay here. Stay calm. 235 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:46,791 Take hold of this... 236 00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:29,234 (HOOTER) 237 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:35,032 People of Earth, attention, please! 238 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,114 People of Earth, attention, please! 239 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:45,276 This is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz 240 00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:48,278 of the Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council. 241 00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:50,675 As you are probably aware, 242 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:54,793 the plans for the outlying regions of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy 243 00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:58,515 require a hyperspace express route to be built through your star system, 244 00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:02,474 and, regrettably, your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition. 245 00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:06,150 The process will take slightly less than two of your Earth minutes. 246 00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:08,635 Thank you very much. 247 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:13,277 (ANGRY, CONFUSED SHOUTING) 248 00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:17,553 - Get out of it! - No! No! No! Go away! 249 00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:24,557 All the planning charts and demolition orders 250 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:28,116 have been on display in your local planning department in Alpha Centauri 251 00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:29,833 for 50 Earth years, 252 00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:33,669 and so you've had plenty of time to lodge any complaints... 253 00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:35,871 It's far too late to make a fuss now! 254 00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:38,833 (ANGRY SHOUTING) 255 00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:42,271 What do you mean you've never been to Alpha Centauri? 256 00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:46,075 Oh, for heaven's sake, mankind! It's only four light years away! 257 00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:50,796 Sorry, but if you can't be bothered to take an interest in local affairs, 258 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:54,470 that's your own lookout! Energise the demolition beam! 259 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:59,071 God, I don't know! Apathetic bloody planet, I've no sympathy at all! 260 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:55,597 - I bought some peanuts. - Uh...? 261 00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:58,678 We've just been through a matter-transference beam. 262 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:01,075 You've lost some salt and protein. 263 00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:03,475 The beer should have helped. 264 00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:06,672 - How do you feel? - Like a military academy. 265 00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:09,030 Bits of me keep passing out! 266 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:18,837 Ford, if I asked you where the hell we were, would I regret it? 267 00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:20,917 We're safe. 268 00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:22,633 Ah, good. 269 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:26,628 We're in a cabin of one of the ships of the Vogon constructor fleet. 270 00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:30,196 Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word ''safe'' 271 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:33,073 I wasn't previously aware of. What are you doing? 272 00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:34,872 Looking for the light. 273 00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:39,312 - How did we get here? - We hitched a lift. 274 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:43,593 Excuse me! Are you telling me we just stuck our thumbs out 275 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:45,916 and some green bug-eyed monster said, 276 00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:49,669 ''Hop in! I can take you as far as Basingstoke roundabout''? 277 00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:52,155 Well, the thumb's a sub-etha device, 278 00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:54,920 and the roundabout's at Barnard's Star, but that's more or less right. 279 00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:57,953 - And the bug-eyed monster? - Is green! 280 00:19:58,160 --> 00:19:59,991 Fine. 281 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:05,638 - When can I go home? - You can't. Ah! 282 00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:10,960 Good grief! Is this really the interior of a flying saucer? 283 00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:13,958 Yes. What do you think? 284 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,913 It's a bit squalid, isn't it? 285 00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:20,078 (GROANING) 286 00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:24,956 - What the hell is it, Ford? - Come on! Let's get out of here! 287 00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:27,116 It's going to attack us. 288 00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:31,393 No, no, no, it just wants us to turn the lights out. 289 00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,836 Come on. 290 00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:41,238 Shh! Sleeping quarters. We woke them up. 291 00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:44,671 (CLANG!) Ford, they were... 292 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:46,950 What? 293 00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:48,798 Aliens? 294 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:50,479 Dentrassi. 295 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:52,752 But, Ford... 296 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:55,671 What's going on? 297 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:58,838 - Here, have a look at this. - What is it? 298 00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:02,828 The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, an electronic book. 299 00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:06,476 - It'll tell you everything. - I like the cover. ''Don't panic''! 300 00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:11,390 - First helpful thing anyone's said! - That's why it sells so well. Shh! 301 00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:13,238 What? 302 00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:20,190 ''Don't panic''! 303 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:21,958 Look... 304 00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:25,957 Fast wind index...V. 305 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:30,119 Vogon Constructor Fleets. Enter that code and see what it says. 306 00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:32,038 I'll keep watch. 307 00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:39,475 (BEEPING) 'Vogon Constructor Fleets: 308 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:31,150 (BURP) 309 00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:33,510 What an extraordinary book! 310 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:36,871 - How did we get on board, then? - The Dentrassi let us on board. 311 00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:39,275 - You said Bogons. - Vogons. 312 00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:41,914 - Not Dentrassi? - No. 313 00:22:42,120 --> 00:22:45,237 Dentrassi are the in-flight caterers. 314 00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:51,479 Hey, Hagra biscuit! The greatest! 315 00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:57,596 You'll love these guys! They cook the hoopiest frood food in the West Galaxy! 316 00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:59,870 Here, have a bite. 317 00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:04,631 Go on, try it. Your mouth will love you for the rest of your life. 318 00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:08,800 It's revolting! 319 00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:11,833 Oh, come on! This stuff is the greatest. 320 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:14,395 Mmm! 321 00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:23,674 I think those guys must really hate the Vogons. 322 00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:27,839 Now, remember this - Dentrassi hate Vogons. 323 00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:32,830 That's why they let us on board. Let's go! 324 00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:38,114 But if they let us on board, why doesn't the Guide mention them? 325 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:40,470 Oh, it's not very accurate. 326 00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:41,999 Oh? 327 00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:45,078 I'm researching the new edition. 328 00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:52,195 Ah, storeroom. 329 00:23:57,560 --> 00:23:59,755 Where are we going? 330 00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:03,635 Who knows? Off this ship, that's for sure! 331 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:09,198 We've only just arrived. Shouldn't we say hello and thank you and things? 332 00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:11,834 Listen, this is a Vogon spaceship. 333 00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:15,510 We just pick up what we need and get off it! Right? 334 00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:17,278 Right. 335 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:23,439 - Stun guns. - Any good? 336 00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:25,039 No. 337 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:30,869 Ford, who are you? 338 00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:34,152 I told you - I'm a field researcher for the Guide. 339 00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:36,316 Telecom systems. 340 00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:38,795 (WHOOP) 341 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:42,151 I got stuck on Earth longer than I meant. 342 00:24:42,360 --> 00:24:45,750 Went for a week, got stuck for 15 years. 343 00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:49,670 Telepsychic helmets. 344 00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:51,872 Huh-huh! 345 00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:54,833 How did you get here in the first place? 346 00:24:55,040 --> 00:25:00,239 Easy. I got a lift with a teaser... Hypno rays? 347 00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:01,953 Teasers? 348 00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:04,151 Rich kids with nothing to do. 349 00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:05,998 They cruise around the Galaxy 350 00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:09,795 looking for planets that no one's made contact with yet and buzz them. 351 00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,798 - Buzz them? - Yeah. They find some isolated spot, 352 00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:16,595 land right by some unsuspecting soul that no one's ever going to believe, 353 00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:20,076 and strut up and down in front of them, making beep-beep noises. 354 00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:22,510 Rather childish, really. 355 00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:26,270 Ah! 356 00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:30,390 A towel! Keep this. 357 00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:32,670 - Guard it with your life. - Huh? 358 00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:34,996 Listen, it's a tough universe. 359 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:39,716 All sorts of people trying to kill you, rip you off, everything... 360 00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:42,070 If you're going to survive out there, 361 00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:45,192 you've really got to know where your towel is. 362 00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:49,757 Now, fish. 363 00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:52,632 Huh? 364 00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:56,035 Fish. Over here, I think. 365 00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:57,958 Fish? 366 00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:05,550 (ELECTRONIC WHIRRING) 367 00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:06,909 Fish. 368 00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:09,634 - Very nice. - Very, very useful. 369 00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:15,032 (BLEEPING) 370 00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:18,118 - What do I do with it? - Stick it in your ear. 371 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:22,313 It's only little! (GURGLING) Listen... 372 00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:24,590 - What? - The Vogon captain. 373 00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:29,112 - But I can't speak Vogon. - Put this in your ear! 374 00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:31,959 ..should have a good time. Message repeat. 375 00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:35,948 This is your captain speaking, so pay attention. 376 00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:39,152 First of all, I see from our instruments 377 00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:43,512 that we have a couple of hitchhiker's on board. Hello, wherever you are! 378 00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:48,077 I just want to make it totally clear that you are not at all welcome. 379 00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:50,840 I worked hard to get where I am today 380 00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:53,474 and I didn't become captain of a Vogon ship 381 00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:58,310 simply to turn it into a taxi service for a lot of degenerate freeloaders. 382 00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:00,670 I have sent out a search party 383 00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:03,474 and, as soon as they find you, I shall turn you off the ship. 384 00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:07,355 If you're very lucky, I might read you some of my poetry first. 385 00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:10,870 Secondly, we are about to jump into hyperspace 386 00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:13,913 for the journey to Barnard's Star. 387 00:27:14,120 --> 00:27:17,749 We will stay in dock for 72 hours and all planet leave is cancelled. 388 00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:20,349 I've just had an unhappy love affair, 389 00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:23,313 so I don't see why anybody else should have a good time. 390 00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:26,193 - Message ends. - Poetry? 391 00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:28,072 What are you doing? 392 00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:32,910 Preparing for hyperspace. It's unpleasantly like being drunk. 393 00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:37,398 - What's so wrong about being drunk? - Ask a glass of water. Lie down. 394 00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:42,151 - Grip the towel between your ankles. - What? 395 00:27:42,360 --> 00:27:44,157 Just do it! 396 00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:47,152 Like this? 397 00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:49,032 Right. 398 00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:52,988 Now wait... 399 00:27:56,800 --> 00:28:00,713 What exactly am I doing with this fish in my ear? 400 00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:04,833 It's translating for you. Look in the book under Babel Fish. 401 00:28:09,320 --> 00:28:11,629 (WHOOSHING) What's happening? 402 00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:15,389 We're going into hyperspace. 403 00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:18,353 I'll never be cruel to a gin and tonic again! 404 00:30:15,560 --> 00:30:17,630 Hey, this towel's moved! 405 00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:22,470 Yes. That's a six-light-year jump. Good. 406 00:30:22,680 --> 00:30:25,114 We must be near Barnard's Star. 407 00:30:25,320 --> 00:30:27,788 - We can jump a ship there. - Can we? 408 00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:32,118 Ford, I hate to ask this, but what am I doing here? 409 00:30:32,320 --> 00:30:34,675 Simple. I rescued you from the Earth. 410 00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:37,678 - What happened to the Earth? - It's been disintegrated. 411 00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:42,158 - Has it? - Yes. Just boiled away into space. 412 00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:46,353 Listen, I'm a bit upset about that... 413 00:30:48,320 --> 00:30:50,550 Oh, well... 414 00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:54,269 All gone? Nothing left? 415 00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:57,916 What about the book? Maybe the book's got something! 416 00:30:58,120 --> 00:31:00,315 (WHIRRING) 417 00:31:00,520 --> 00:31:02,715 It doesn't seem to have an entry. 418 00:31:02,920 --> 00:31:04,956 Yes, it does - at the bottom. 419 00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:08,994 Under Eccentrica Gullumbits, the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon 6. 420 00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:11,873 Oh, yes. What does it say? 421 00:31:12,080 --> 00:31:18,030 - ''Harmless''. One word? Harmless? - Well, it's the old edition. 422 00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:20,879 There are 100 billion stars in the Galaxy. 423 00:31:21,080 --> 00:31:26,313 - No one knew much about Earth then! - I hope you managed to rectify that! 424 00:31:26,520 --> 00:31:32,072 - I sent a new entry to the editor. - What does it say now? 425 00:31:32,280 --> 00:31:34,840 - ''Mostly harmless.'' - Mostly harmless? 426 00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:38,510 I think that's pretty good coverage for a disintegrated pile of rubble! 427 00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:41,757 That's meant to make me feel better? 428 00:31:43,280 --> 00:31:45,953 Come on! Let's get to the teleport. 429 00:31:50,480 --> 00:31:52,675 (ROARING) 430 00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:54,916 What's the hell's that? 431 00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:58,396 If we're lucky, it's a Vogon come to throw us out into space. 432 00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:00,750 And if we're unlucky? 433 00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:04,589 The Vogon captain might want to read us some of his poetry first.